Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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