Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
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