i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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