bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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