so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize