Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
