Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
