My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i believe in u and ur pee
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
