He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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