I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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