chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
