I love black thongs
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize