You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
