There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
