billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Houston, we have a blender
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize