Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
