What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
