so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize