Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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