I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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