forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
