The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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