I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
