I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
