I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
