i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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