Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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