she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
