do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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