there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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