Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize