we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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