the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
