nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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