If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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