i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
