someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
