i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
