the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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