Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
