then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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