I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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