I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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