Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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