you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
