Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
