We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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