don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
