If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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