At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
