New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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