Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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