I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
