My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I looked at my own cervix.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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