I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
