I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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