You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
