Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
