Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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